T-minus 2 days...

Yo' mama so stupid, she thought fruit punch was a gay boxer!

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

T-minus 3 days...

Happy Birthday Mom!!!

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

1. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
2. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

T-minus 4 days...

How to write a college paper...

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Check your email.
3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
5. Check your email.
6. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you her paper, typed, double-spaced and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop her.
7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
9. Check your email.
10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
12. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it, seriously, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
13. Listen to the other side.
14. Check your email.
15. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
16. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the college, the world at large.
17. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
18. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor their special flavor.
19. Check your email.
20. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to “Sgt. Preston of the Yukon” is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions:
a) Pro Bowlers Tour
b) any movie starring Don Ameche
21. Catch the last hour of “Soul Brother of Kung Fu” on Channel 26.
22. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
23. Check your email.
24. Look at your tongue in the bathroom miror.
25. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask whoeveryone is.
26. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
27. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trenchcoated strangers lurking in the hall.
28. Check your email.
29. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
30. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.
31. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
32. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
33. Leap up and write the paper.
34. Type the paper, and while you're at it, check your email.
35. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that darn paper.



Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

T-minus 5 days...

Y'all, today, I'm gonna have you watch a video that shows just how South Carolina, my home state, can represent! You'll feel more smarter and have a new phrase in your vocabulary to demonstrate your intelligence. I personal believe that I will use the phrase 'such as' more an more, now that I've seen this video

T-minus 6 days

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.

The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, “can you name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?”

“Phew, that one's easy,” says the teacher, “The Titanic.”

“Alright,” said St.Peter, “you may pass.”

Then the thief got his question: “How many died on the Titanic?”

The thief replied, “That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people.” And so he passed through.

Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: “Name them.”

***

Only in America...

1. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

T-minus 7 days...

After my failed first attempt, here are the new (hopefully better) instructions:

on the right of this blog, put your email address in the space that says "Enter your email address:" and click 'Subscribe.' You will have to approve your subscription (it's all explained by Feedburner) and that'll do it!

Doing that will put you on a list; when I update my blog, you will automatically get a brief email saying 'John has updated his blog' or something like that. This way you don't have to keep checking back all the time.

Over the last few days of my residence in Austin I'll be posting short fun blogs...maybe a joke, a few lines of a funny story or something.

Hope you are all well!
J.

T-minus 12 days...

As much as I like to read long emails from afar, I know many of you prefer to catch up on your own schedule. So, here it is, my blog. It's pretty darn basic right now...will try to make it more fun, but I think this'll do for awhile as I get settled. My meditations will not be what Marcus Aurelius' were, but the same city that inspired his musings will inspire mine. People say I'll get there and write furiously for a month before sputtering out and eventually publishing once ever 6-9 months. We'll see; I'm hoping for once a month.

If you want to subscribe to it, the link is on the right, third from the bottom (click 'atom'). That should notify you (somehow) when I update...

12 days to blast-off!